How to Become a Nigerian Idol

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Want to become a Nigerian idol?
Or at least a real MVP without sweat?
Candid advice,
Go natural
Or,
Grow some locks
Or,
Do both
And,
Be bespectacled
Thou shalt be worshipped.
And I lie not.
So I’ll show you
Just how will it work…

You will enter a shop
And the attendant will start speaking in English
Because you ought not to speak
Nay understand
Any native tongue
They will be murdering the language
In broad daylight
Trying to impress you
If nauseated by the evil grammar
You’ll mask it
And play along

You will walk along the streets
And someone will stop you
‘Aunty please, a moment
Is your hair virgin hair?’
You will be annoyed
For the pointless interruption
And be tempted to say,
‘Are you blind ma’am?’
But you won’t.
Instead you’ll smile
And say yes-

You will stop by a stall
And there shall be price hike(s)
You will try to bargain
And the vendor will be pissed
‘Ah, ah, correct girl like you too dey price?’
You will almost quip
‘Correct girl dey pluck money for tree!? ‘
Who correct epp?
But you won’ t
You shall laugh it off
And plead for a discount
Very ‘tushly’.

You will be waiting your turn at the doctors’
And a lady will approach you
Wow! I love your hair!
How did you get it to lock like this?
I always try to achieve this to no avail
Can I touch it?
You’ll smile – again
‘Yes please,’ “just don’t take some for juju”

You will enter a phone shop
And the cashier will beam a smile at you
‘I like your frame.
It’s just like Biola’s’
Never mind who Biola is
‘Is it reco or shako?’
His colleague would ask
‘Recommended’, you’d reply.
‘Wow. You look good.’
‘Thanks’, you’d say
And go home wondering when
Just when wearing glasses
Became a criterion for ‘looking good’

You will enter a very busy market
And a salesgirl will jump out of nowhere
And pull at your hair
‘Natural hair!’ She’d squeal excitedly
You’ll get angry and snap
A crowd will gather and appease you
Dear goddess,
You shall move on
And buy something not needed
Nor listed
Just to feel better.

You will have new names
Several of them
Just like the gods

Your driver’ll stop by the filling station
To buy PMS
‘Ei! Dada!’
The fuel attendant will hail
You won’t bat an eyelid
‘Dreadlock!’
The groundnut seller standing by would attempt
For fear you can’t comprehend Yoruba
You’d hiss, and roll up the glass
Plug your ears
And exit this world.

‘Oju igo! Customer!’
The pepperseller will call
‘African queen! You’re welcome ‘,
The gateman would hail
‘Alakowe! Come enter here’,
The conductor would invite

You’ll go for an interview
You’ll get the job
Because your interviewer
Believes in originality
Evinced in your being dreaded.
You’ll meet a new guy
He’ll fall in love with you
Straightaway
He’ll tell you how confident
And very secure in whom you are,
He feels you are
Because you’re keeping
Your ‘God given’ hair.

‘Olojumerin!’
‘My four eyed friend’.
Your dad’s friend will taunt
‘You’re my only friend in this house’
He’ll adulate
As he extends some naira notes
You’ll take it coyly
Thanking him a million times
Not minding that the love
Originates from the fact
That your other siblings’s eyes
Are working in proper condition

Your experiences won’t be finite
Your testimonies will abound
Then one day,
You’ll write a poem like this
Just because, my dear
You’d have become
A Nigerian Idol.

N. B. All ye idol worshippers,
Repent!
For the kingdom of God is at hand.

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. Nnajiofor p chimaobi says:

    how do i join nigerian idol

    Like

  2. Nnajiofor p chimaobi says:

    IF COULD GET A REPLY DIRECT TO MY PHONE NUMBER THAT WILL BE GREAT 09067102235 THANKS

    Like

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